I remembered the first time I was robbed. It was a shady
alley. The path was a tar road, the building on the right was abandoned, and
the building on the left was never completed. The paint was beginning to fade
on both buildings. Dumpsters, graffiti on the walls, broken bottles, burnt
cigarettes-- the only thing missing in this scene is a rat making a dash to the
dumpster. I was ignorant.
I should have listened to my friend’s warning, but I was
young and considerably naïve (dumb). I gave the world and everyone in it more
credit than it deserved. It was a sort of childhood innocence that had been
preserved by the people who had raised me. I was sheltered.
I took the first step and my friend reluctantly followed. It
was dark that night—the moonlight was dimmed by passing clouds—but I took note
of the little things: water dripping from broken a pipe, and the echoes of
crickets chirping. We were almost out when we heard the sound of a motorcycle
speeding towards us. I was scared.
There was little to identify about the person on the
motorcycle, except that he was a stocky male—he wore a regular t-shirt and navy
blue jeans. Before I could analyze the situation, he managed to get a firm grip
on my sleeve. In an adrenaline-pumped situation, the man and I were engaged in
a tug-of-war, and what ensued was a quick succession of events: He pulled. I
struggled. He shoved. I fell. In the heat of the moment, all my friend could do
was stand perfectly still—he looked like he was screaming, but not a single
sound was heard. My ‘fight or flight’ instinct was on high alert, and I chose ‘Flight.’
In a matter of seconds after the fall, I got up, grabbed my friend and said:
“Let’s go!” I was confused.
He clicked back into reality, and we ran as fast as we could
from the scene. The man, however, decided not to pursue. I tried to make sense
of what happened that night. Sometimes, my friend and I would talk about that
day. Occasionally, he reminded me how lucky I was--narrowly escaping a robbery.
But he couldn’t be more wrong. That day, innocence was robbed. I was never the
same.
Josh,
ReplyDeleteWe already talked about this and I'm anxious to see what your classmates' suggestions are, so I'll be brief.
Possibilities for reflection:
1. What do you _really_ mean about your innocence being lost? Did you turn from naive kid to hardened adult, or do things not really happen that way? Is it more complicated somehow?
Also, I think you could include the details: place. Your age. Your companion's specs.
Remember: writing can often be about making the strange familiar and the familiar strange. So, where do you need to be utterly clear about a confusing situation? And where can you allow yourself to be mor artful about what might seem, at first glance, to be mundane.
Liking the way you rendered the actual fight, by the way. Short sentences work there. What if you tried it as one long sentence? What kind of different effect might that have?
DW
Your writing style here really worked with your topic, this is the beginning of a very powerful piece! I liked how you set the scene so descriptively. Also how you said you had a childhood innocence preserved by the people who raised you, which you claim is lost at the end of the piece. I would definitely elaborate on that as you expand this piece. Great job!
ReplyDelete-Emily
The descriptions in the beginning are fantastic. They paint a great, but scary picture. Your style of writing works really well for this piece. My only suggestion is maybe describing the person who attacked you, maybe any connection you felt to him.
ReplyDeleteThis is really fantastic!
I like the reflection of this piece; the ability to look at who you were and who you are now. And the pivotal-ness(?) of this one moment, how you feel it changed you, is something very powerful.
ReplyDeleteJosh,
ReplyDeleteWow - the opening line is great! Just like we talked about in class when pain is brushed off nonchalantly (at least at first here) it really makes an impact. Some of the best stories involve the writer telling us what they're about to tell us from the beginning. Maybe it's just the PR major in me - but I think this is a cool approach!
I really like the short sentences to describe the struggle, too. I would like to see more of your reflections/thoughts after you processed what had happened to you. I love the play on words with your innocence being robbed, but I almost want to know more.
Nice work!
-Sam
Josh,
ReplyDeleteFirst and foremost your blog looks great! On a writing note, my favorite detail of your writing is the conclusion of each paragraph. I'm a very big fan of ending on a bold statement and I felt that the short sentence structure very clearly portrayed your message. You did a very nice job of making all the smaller components of your scene fit together as a whole. The details of your image fit together well, but I really think I was distracted from your story because I really want to "steal" some of your stylistic components.